Don't get me wrong. Kevin Rudd is the best thing since powdered alcohol. But not everything is peachy. He and His government haven't blown off my bollocks. Yet. But, there is still time. And indeed, that's why I'm here. To help.
An Open Letter to Kevin Rudd*
My Dearest Kevin, I here present my 10 Point Plan.
1. Go to the gym.
Nothing reeks of inexperience more than a 40 year old man with puffy cheeks who sways in the wind. Or a 30 year old woman who makes wind when she moves. Walk with confidence and look like you have a purpose, even if you don't have a fucking clue.
2. New dress code for women.
Ok, we get it. You like flowers. Now, it's business black, gray or white. If you want to be equal, expect to be treated equally. And lose the whine. It's not that kind of 'House'.
3. Change the Party name.
Labor? What is that? You're more right-wing than ever, it's time for a "Fresh Start"(TM) and I cannot believe it's taken more than 100 years for someone to tell you, "YOU SPELT IT WRONG".
4. Re-upholster Parliament House.
Green? Red? Christmas is over, and promotes inflation. Show the nation just how serious you are about this 'war'. Grey leather for the lower house, black for the upper house. To match the women's new dresses.
5. Laterally recruit Chuck Norris to the role of speaker.
Independence was never going to see light in a position selected by the government of the day. Chuck might be incredibly right wing and indeed, a filthy Republican, but he wouldn't take any shit. Not even from Tony "Wasn't me!" Abbott.
6. Put Garrett's head on Gillard's body, and vice-versa.
Ok, this is purely a selfish one. I'd laugh at Garrett's sunburnt dome, and Julia could probably sing better.
7. Enforce a 3-drink minimum entry to the house.
Howard, Costello and Downer are gone. Question time is going to be dull. At least give the quiet guys at the back on $120,000 a year the confidence to earn their keep.
8. Shoot Wayne Swan in the face.
Ok, bear with me here. Nobody from the left side of the House could ever match Costello. Not Rudd, not Smith, not Gillard. But that's no reason to just throw in the towel. I mean, it's not as if it's a secret ... why do you think it's BigKev making all the financial announcements? 2 reasons: one, Wayne Swan is an incompetent Treasurer; two, he's incapacitated, currently wedged somewhere up Glen Stevens' arse. So hey, take the shot now and take out two annoying birds with one stone.
9. Solve the 'inflation crisis'.
Ok, so Kevin has his own '5 point plan' with carefully considered steps including 'less spending' and 'more skilled workers'. But come on, it needn't be so hard. Need more money? Have a Government Garage Sale. Those old red and green chairs could fetch a couple of bucks. Or hell; just sell one of Maxine's shoes.
10. Become a Republic; Appoint Penn and Teller as joint-Presidents.
If Chuck Norris is a professional no-Bullshit meter, Penn and Teller are God-like. They'd keep both sides (and Chuck) in line. What? You can think of someone better? BS.
...
Kevin, we've been together for quite a while now. You're a great guy, and I do really like you. But if you keep going this way, I'm afraid I just can't see 'us' working out.
I hope we can still be friends.