UPDATE: Yes, I am aware that this is hideously out of date. Not to worry, it will be updated soon. When Big Kev wins.
Aim: to win a fifth term, by any means possible
Despite still not having been called, the most frequent word on every true Australian’s sunburnt but lip-balmed lips this year has been ‘election’. For the 2007 Federal Election is arguably our most important yet, with issues as prevalent as health, water, education and of course global warming. As such, the question in all of our hearts is this: can Johnny ‘look at ma brows’ Howard win it for us again?
Hypothesis: that political pragmatism will always win the day
Traditionally ignoring the issues for a moment, whether you’re a gallant Liberal supporter or filthy ALP minion ("union hack"), the country’s political landscape remains the same: in one corner is the experienced, dedicated and decorated Howard, championing his rock-solid Liberal party, whilst in the other, blue-ish corner lies the squalid, unclean, rejuvenated but still filthy Rudd; still in opposition after 11 years, still failing to capitalise on our frequent cock-ups and still allowing us to get away with murder.
Equipment:
- 1 x Vintage ’96 fart
- 1 x Fermenting Front Bench™ (inc. Dumbo and Shrek figurines)
- 1 x Fomenting Smirking Donkey
- 2 x House Majority
- 0 x State’s Cooperation
- 1 x Popular Support (optional)
* 1 x Blank Cheque can be prepared by the oxidation of 2 x House Majority
Perhaps a review of the ‘Sheriff of Asia’, led by the Liberal Party, is in order after this long period of [respite] leadership:
Families are now better off than they have ever been before. Although this may sound like recycled rhetoric, it is incontrovertibly a fact. After five interest rate rises in three years, surging food and housing costs and now $100 less income each week, families are evidently better off; less money to spend on drugs, less free time to participate in illicit practices, and … argh.
Let’s see where we really stand:
GST was introduced on July 1 2000, despite Howard proclaiming it would ‘never, ever’ be Liberal policy (again). More money went to the Commonwealth, the States become so much more reliant on HFE and thus the Commonwealth is further empowered.
Since ’96, $2 billion has been spent on government advertising; yes, TWO BILLION DOLLARS. That’s $95 per person (given 21 million people in Australia c.2007), including the little things with no brain. Dress it up as informative ‘Workplace Rights’ or whatever you like; I saw the videos of ‘Nam (and played the video game), and know what propaganda is when I see it.
Hicks, Thomas and Haneef have been detained, restrained and ‘deported’ respectively; one should note that Haneef’s trial-by-executive was particularly unfair, although perhaps to be expected of Dumbo™, a politician who continues to draw public irk-ance, this timmost recently with the African refugee issue.
On a related note, Howard has made the comment that ‘Al Qaeda is praying for a Democratic Party candidate to win the next United States presidential election’. For the record I’m very much pro-Obama, and think a Obama-Hillary ticket, however damned unlikely, would be great - especially if combined with Labor leadership of Australia. You can see the mighty Kevin Rudd moving a censure motion on the above point here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e7bhsziwJ4
WorkChoices legislation was passed in 2006, and as a result, Australian’s on AWAs are reportedly $100 worse-off each week. Sure, Hockey and Costello can denounce it as Union bollocks (can’t wait to see them defend it in court), but even if it is 50 big-ones off, one has to question how the Howard government can so vehemently defend it.
Method: method of choice is unimportant; the people will fall for anything.
Seriously, how stupid does Howard think we are? I know it happens every time, but this pre-election policy splurge really is a shocker. Labor finally manages to place climate change on the agenda? “Oh, didn’t you know? Howard is no longer a ‘climate change sceptic’, and Australia is one of the most ‘green’ countries in the world!”; Labor pushes the Hospital issue to the forefront? “Oh, we’ll just push the buck onto the states” – come on, if you’re going to interfere with residual powers, do it properly for crikey’s sake. Although I guess one must hand it to the Liberal Party; they did beat the ALP to the ‘lowering standards’ wankfest – don’t worry, the Downer-fishnet issue has been too well covered already… the daft prick. And for Christ's sake don’t sing, Mr Downer. Ever.
On a lighter note, Kevin ‘Kevvy’ ‘Kevo’ ‘Kev’ ‘Rudd-meistro’ Rudd demonstrated the sort of leadership qualities required by any aspiring polly – the ability to get down and dirty, like many of his constituents; in this case with a young lady in a trendy New York joint – hmmm, I wonder if Snowy Score-d as well…
Results: watch this space
Oh, and when will the election be held?
"It will be held well before Christmas. Now beyond that I'm not going to speculate about the date and the Labor Party is just playing games calling on me to call the election.” – Howard
“Well before Christmas”? Ha. Like "tidy", that sort of “measure” is very relative… I can be prepared to vote Labor well before I actually vote; ‘well before’ being either 6 months or 3 minutes, dependant on how much my government will be embarrassed, how much Kev’ll get upset about it and to what extent I can screw over the retail industry. Oh look, I’ve found my persona again. Ooooh, it’s different this time. What a literary genius I am. I mean John Howard is. No wait… I am.
Discussion: watch this space.
We might have the worst poll results in history… ever, and be facing total annihilation, but we’re not panicking. I’m not even sweating (I wear Rexona). If worst comes to worst, I can call in a favour from me ol’ bud’ George.
And the leadership issue? Well, I’ll leave that for others to judge…
For the record, I do not despise John Howard. He is a formidable politician who has served Australia to the best of his ability throughout his time in parliament and leadership. Yes, I think he’s doing the best that he can.
Just a pity it’s crap.
