Disclaimer: This page and any linked pages are intended to be in jest. In no way do I consider myself sexist, racist or indeed prejudicial towards people of different shoe sizes. If you are unable to see the humour and subsequently find the following text offensive, do not read it.
The following text is not intended to be taken seriously.
Since the dawn of time, women have been scheming to overthrown male dominion (“paradise”) and instil their own tyrannical rule of sensitivity, concealer and those ornate little pink pens that smell like strawberry when you sniff the loopy love-hearted lettering. This backstabbing plotting might often be confused with ‘feminism’ – correctly. For this purposes of this here balanced report, these two notions will be considered one and the same.
As is the norm, we’ll start at the beginning. If religion is to be believed, in the beginning, God created earth, water, sky and MAN. Note here that man was created first. In God’s great order, men come first. Women were created second… SECOND, by taking one of Adam’s ribs and performing some funky transfiguration to make a woman. The Bible is not intended to be interpreted literally, so this is therefore a metaphor that clearly alludes to the fact that not only are women dependent on men for life, they have a disturbing propensity for stealing from men to create, continue and fluff-up this life. Eve’s conceit doesn’t end there, however; the tale grows even dimmer.
By convincing Adam to eat of the forbidden fruit (I’m sure you all know the story), Eve, acting as a metaphor for all women, proves beyond reasonable doubt that women are conniving, untrustworthy and easily duped – this is also the first noted evidence of female disobedience. “Where would we be without women?” – back in the Garden of Eden, you gullible cow.
Sure, life has moved on since those limited days in paradise. [I mentioned why they’re limited, right?] The movie 300 would have you believe that circa 480, Spartan women were almost equal to men. However, Spartan women had broad shoulders, low voices and six-packs. For all intents and purposes, they weren’t women; certainly not as we see them today. The Athenian’s had it right – lock the women up until mating season [citation not required].
Having realised the futility of their efforts after several thousand years, women undertook an historic, dramatic change that facilitated their triumph over the defenceless superior race: self-effeminitisation. Perfume, tight clothing and those aforementioned sweet strawberry pens struck men a hideous blow below the belt, knocking our unprotected masculinity for a six (I apologise for the women/sporting juxtaposition; I just couldn’t help myself). But what manly, manly man could not be goaded into coercion at the hands of such merciless adversity? This point is closely related to the increased presence of prostitution in the world (I hesitate to say ‘workplace’) – although I’m not entirely sure exactly how this is so. Prostitution is, of course, a female-restrictive profession (DON'T argue that one); therefore all female work is evil.
“In more than 50 different languages, the word for “actress” is the same as the word for “prostitute”” Notting Hill.
Allow me to make a linguistic observation. The term ‘woman’ is obviously a conjunction of ‘woe’ and ‘man’. Woe can be equated with a feeling of sorrowfulness – remorse, regret, whatever you wish to call it. Thus we can see that a woman = a sorrowful man: Sorrowful because she wasn’t born a man. Snap.
But where has feminism landed us today? What are the repercussions of men having fallen for women’s bewitching charms and sweet strawberry flavoured handwriting? One impact stands out markedly from the rest – men have lost their authoritative edge. We, as a race, are weakened. We have lost our jobs to less able, ill-informed women on the pretence of gender-equality. As a direct result of this, women are spending more time out of the home; subsequently our children lack proper nurturing, we’re geared towards a fast-food diet and the problems thereby associated, and there is an ever-increasing laundry pile that will never, ever, be clean again. Feminism has encouraged a generation of “authors” who’s sole purpose in life is to disguise the truth behind notions of ‘fairness’ and ‘equality’. If women were intended to be equal to men, the divine creator in all his wisdom would have at least given them a brain. Such prose as Atwood and Dickenson has prevented an entire generation of children from completing their schooling correctly – and an even greater number have jumped to their deaths as a result of enforced reading of such works as ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ and ‘The Feminist’s Guide to Screwing with Their Minds’*. Gentlemen, the future is indeed bleak.
To be fair to the feminists, not every aspect of their lifestyle choice is so bad. To further discuss this, I’ve sought the help of a well-known and respected feminist, teeniepop27. You can read her article here.
A number of closing points come to mind:
• I’m submitting this to Michael Moore; if his wife would just do her job, he wouldn’t have to be asking the government to do his laundry.
• Please don’t get me started on those vicious lesbytes, because they’re really the ones at fault, aren’t they.
• For the record, my close female friend (‘wife’ is sexist) and I are currently "married" with three children: Margaret, Emily and Dick, although we lock our third child and only son in a cage to ensure he never grows properly. It was her idea.
