Plucked from the very zenith of their fullness, children worldwide are dying [and not just on the inside]; msn is winning the war against our kids. Whether viewed as a useful communicative tool, a portal to social happy-town or the violent, soul-destroying, procrastination-encouraging contrivance that it is, msn continues to negatively influence that most vulnerable multitude, members of which oft find themselves stuck firmly in its controlling grasp.
msn was created in the mid 20th Century by Bill Gates Snr., as a means of convincing his scrawny son, Bill Gates Jnr., to “just shut the frick up for one goddamned fricking minute”. Unfortunately msn (originally smn, Scrawny-Mouth-Numb-er) was not greatly received by the young genius as he did, in fact, lack any friends with whom to communicate (“chat”). Despite this significant initial setback, and several decades spent fomenting revolution on its creator’s floppy, the newly titled msn made a grand entrance to the internet machine in the late 1990s and has sought to expand its reign of terror ever since.
A few facts before we get going:
- the only reason I have ever used msn is in researching for this article
- even then I wore gloves, large sunglasses and a face mask
- ‘ranga’ is indeed an anagram of “I’m way too cool to use msn, idiot.”
- msn sucks on the proverbial
As I discovered early during my research and many intense interviews, msn has the propensity to cause mass procrastination – whether it be English homework, calling your parents for extra cash or preparing for that damned PnL essay for the coming Tuesday, everything is put aside for the hour or so needed to chat with that hot chick you met on Band Camp, the paraphrased crux of said conversation being “omfg bbq@hous wit fam atm, so sht roflol”. Sure, it needs to be said, but it is through this medium that such discourse has so significant an effect on other work. Gone are the days of multitasking with telephone on shoulder and pen in hand (they shall be sorely missed); rather one’s full attention is now required to type properly, ensure no spelling mistakes and carefully consider one’s words – although the latter is arguably of decreasing importance. This procrastination can have drastic impact on one’s non-social life; be it failing that PnL test, losing to that berk in the English “pop”-quiz or not getting the extra cash you need to buy washing powder, consequently walking around in dirty clothing smelling like Chewbacca for the rest of your life, missing out on a promotion at the muppet factory to the one-legged African-American lesbian feminist who started working there 3 months after you and fittingly smells like banana tacos, losing any streak of attractiveness and eventually marrying the only person who will agree to it (after you’ve asked every other muppet-maker); the factory’s second-rate accountant who makes less money than you and whose parents were cruel enough to call him Norman. (NB. if you’re a guy that makes you gay o_O, and not in the good way).
I once knew a guy who died from msn. Poor guy. Wouldn’t have been so bad if the offending CRT hadn’t fallen so far, but as it was there was blood everywhere. Splat. Seriousness aside for a minute, this isn’t the first time someone has died from such causes. This is most probably not the sole fault of msn itself, but rather certain activities that its presence facilitates – namely conversation between emos and susceptible young adolescents. We all know about the emo scourge (try here for a definition), but what wasn’t so well understood is how this plague was able to maintain its expansionist rise – I can now reveal that it is solely enabled through online messaging services. I stumbled across this revelation when I met Dolores, an apparently ‘normal’ teenage girl from the Western Suburbs’ so-called Golden Triangle. At first she was fun enough; she liked parties, strawberry-smelling pens and monkeys, but soon enough she was telling me about the dangers of going outside, the beneficial effects of wearing spikes and her favourite pastime, ‘blood letting’. It was only then that I remembered my preschool Latin classes and the translation of her phonetically innocent name. Thankfully I caught on before it was too late, taught her my own ‘personal mantra’ (which goes somewhat like this: ‘not across the road or down the street – excavate the intersection!’) and she hasn’t talked to me since. Thank goodness.
That event was indeed my last dabble into online affairs, but in an effort to not disappoint I shall endeavour to present a number of other foibles discovered during my research.
- if display pictures are anything to go by, everyone on msn is either freakishly attractive or looks strangely like sunsets, flowers or humourous sign posts.
- the most commonly used letter is not actually ‘E’, but rather ‘L’, as in “LOL!”
- the word “LOL” accounts for almost 93% of all msn traffic
- nobody using msn is, or is likely to ever be married, despite the best efforts of the ‘LoveMatch’ advertisements adorning every conversation.
- everybody has clicked on the ‘LoveMatch’ advertisements at least once, ‘accidentally’.
- that cute Band Camp girl you like is actually a seedy 47-year-old guy living in Missouri.
- most people think ‘roflcake’ is a traditional Swedish dessert
- almost ten thousand people have died from msn-poisoning in the last two weeks.
